Something different.

While I'm busy moaning about how much my mouth hurts after my fillings, go watch this video. I refuse to feel bad about reading romance novels.

Mmm... cupcakes

I had a cupcake tonight, and it was tasty.  I also had a hamburger and french fries.  Tomorrow, I think I'll have some cereal bars for breakfast, and pizza for lunch.  And for dinner... soup.

Yes, that's right.  Squishy food for dinner, assuming I feel like eating at all.

I really don't want to go to the dentist tomorrow, but I've got a chipped tooth, and it needs fixing, which means a dentist visit.  Boo.  And unfortunately, the numbing stuff is REALLY effective on me, so I probably won't feel my mouth until the next morning.  So it's squishy food time.

*sigh*

What I want

I think I've finally figured out what I want. After 32 years, I think I've got it. It's not the easiest thing to verbalize, because it's more complicated than just, "I want a piece of chocolate cake." But even if I can't entirely explain it, I think I finally know.  

And apparently, I'm not the only one who knows what I mean.

I want someone who feels like this:

And even The Band Perry kind of gets it in the chorus of their song "All Your Life":

Well I don't want the whole world
The sun, the moon, and all their light
I just want to be the only girl
You love all your life

That's what I want. I want someone who will love me for who I really am, not who he wants me to be. I've tried to be everything that someone wants, and being up on a pedestal sucks. It's a long way down, from the ideal to the reality. I'm a real person, and I've got a nice big boatload of flaws.  Please don't expect perfection. It's hard enough for me to handle my own perfectionist qualities. I don't need someone else adding to it.

I want someone who has a life of his own and wants me to be a part of it, but not all of it. I don't want to be someone's 'everything.' I've been that, and it's too much pressure. I want him to be happy on his own, but I want to be able to make him happier. I want him to be a whole person, not just 'my other half,' and I want him to feel the same towards me. 

So there you go. That's what I want.

Now if I could just find it...

The Saga of My Borked Wrist

It was the morning of October 22.  It was a Sunday, an unassuming kind of day.  I was in sunny Orlando, assisting with a series of Anatomy of the Eyeball workshops for JCAHPO.  I thought it was going to be a good day.

Partway through the morning, my left wrist ached a bit.  I rubbed it and thought little of it until I realized that it was my left wrist.  There is generally nothing wrong with my left wrist.  My right wrist randomly hurts because back in 1997, I FOOSHed (Fall On OutStretched Hand) while doing pickups in tap class.  I was in casts/braces/splints for the better part of a year, and it took several years for me to be able to write for more than five minutes or so without pain.

I thought it was odd, but went on with my day, doing the workshops, then going out for drinks with some of the nice people I met at the conference.  The next morning, I slept in, then packed up my bags and headed down to get my car.  My bags were heavy, but I carried them all on my left shoulder, so that my right hand was free to fish out my valet stub and pull the suitcase.  I thought nothing of this.

The following morning, Tuesday, I hurt.  A lot.  My shoulder was in excruciating pain, my wrist felt like someone was scraping a serrated blade along the inside of the skin, and my index finger and thumb felt as if I had slammed them in a car door.  It sucked.  I figured it was because of the heavy bags, so I took some Tylenol, and went on my way.

By Thursday, I wanted to either cry or throw up, the pain was that bad.  So I talked to one of the doctors I work for, and he prescribed a course of steroids.  It helped a bit, but my index finger was still swollen and purple at the end of the six days, so I made an appointment with a hand doctor.  This was just over a week after the first ache.

He poked and prodded and x-rayed.  My wrist wasn't broken, which didn't surprise me because I didn't do anything to it.  He wanted an MRI, to see if there was a ganglion or other soft tissue issues.  He prescribed a wrist brace to use as needed, which I used daily at first, then occasionally once I realized I couldn't do my job with it on. Two weeks, and much pain, later, I got my MRI (last Thursday).

Today, I got the results.  Normal.  REALLY?  On the bright side, no rheumatoid arthritis, no lupus, no tears in tendons or ligaments.  On the not bright side, the pain is still there.  He poked and prodded some more and declared that the pain at the base of my thumb is due to 'severe laxity' in my joints.  He demonstrated on my good hand by moving my carpals around, and bending my finger backwards.  Apparently, normal hands don't bend like mine.  Makes sense, given that I can also mildly dislocate my shoulders on command.

So to treat that part, I've got a new splint, which I should wear all the time for 2-3 weeks, and if that doesn't help, I'll get a cortisone shot, and if that doesn't help, there's a surgical option, but I'd rather not do that if I can avoid it.  Did I mention that I can't take NSAIDs?  Yeah, makes the inflammation (which causes the pain) a little harder to deal with.

And that doesn't explain why my index finger is still all purple and swollen and cold, so next up is a non-invasive vascular assessment, which will require more waiting, and if that doesn't give us any answers, the next step is angiography, which is more invasive than the non-invasive test.

Blargh.

So.  To sum up, I'm in pain, and it sucks.

Stay tuned.

Failing Miserably

Yeah.  The whole getting-back-into-blogging thing?  Not so much.

But I have figured out why!  And no, it's not because of NaNoWriMo.

It's because I've got too much going on in my head.  There's a lot going on in there, actually, and it's all immensely personal, and I really need to work through it.  Problem is, I usually work through my issues by writing.  I'm afraid that, if I try to blog too much, I'll end up spilling my emotional guts here, and I'm not sure that I'm ready to do that.  I'm also not sure if anyone out there is really interested in it.

So until I either work this stuff out, or decide that I'm ready to spill it all to the whole internet, it's hard for me to blog.

What I'm going to try to do is plan for controlled release - I'll probably share little bits and pieces of my issues, and I'll probably also include several bits of short fiction.

Also, with some of the work-related pressure I've had lately, I've turned into a bit of a bitch, so I may have some scathing things to say about some of the books I've read... But I'll try not to be too evil.  I'll keep my comments generalized - I've been reading a lot of self-published crap lately, and I've made some notes.  But I've also read some good self-pubbed stuff, and I promise I'll tell you about that, too.

Um... yeah, this was a big, rambling post, but the gist of it is, I'm going to be blogging again, but I'm not holding myself to a schedule until I get into a better mental place.  Wish me luck!

I'm back!

So it's been almost a month since my last blog post... Oops.

I'm going to be lame and blame it on RL getting in the way.  I've had houseguests since October 3 (and still do).  There was Thanksgiving, and a weekend in Florida for work (which was AWESOME), and now I've done something to bugger up my shoulder (and all the way down my arm to my fingertips), so I really haven't been much for using a computer (typing hurts).

I did, however, discover the voice recognition software built into Windows 7, and I've used it to tweet and to write part of my NaNo novel already.

And yes, I'm doing NaNoWriMo.  With a buggered-up arm.  And a house full of people.

Yes.

I am crazy.

To top it off, I'm going to get back into blogging properly.

And I don't go to the doctor about my arm until tomorrow, so I can't even blame this bad decision on good drugs.  Yeesh.

Expect to see more of me.

Yeah, totally missed Friday

But I have a perfectly valid excuse - I have a baby at my house!  My sister and her fiance and their 3-month-old baby girl arrived on Friday night, and it's been a whirlwind weekend.  Any time that I've managed to sit down for more than a few minutes at a time, I've had a baby in my arms.  Not that I'm complaining!  But it's not so easy to type...

Today we had our big Thanksgiving dinner: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie and lemon meringue pie.  Followed by a hockey game.  Well, watching a hockey game, not playing one.  Tonight was the Jets' season opener, the first Jets game in 15 years, and it was against the Canadiens.  Back in the day, when the Jets were still in Winnipeg, I was a Jets girl, through and through.  These days, though, I'm a Habs fan, which made it interesting to watch tonight's game.  Either way, I was going to be happy, but I was also going to be disappointed.  I found an article online though, that really describes it well: Loren Roberts is another Jets-fan-turned-Habs-fan.

But now that the hockey adrenaline has worn off, and the turkey tryptophan is kicking in, I think I'm going to go pass out for a few hours.  And then I might get up for a midnight snack of lemon meringue pie.