Just a few notes

Dear Target,

You know who has size 5 feet?  Short people.  You know who can't see the top shelf?  Short people.  Please make sure that the dude who sets up your shoe area is aware of this fact.  If I have to jump up to see what's in the box of shoes, chances are, I'm not going to bother.  You're pretty much guaranteeing business for Payless.

Vertically challengedly yours,
Danielle

*****

Dear Sunbeam,

While I appreciate that you manufacture one of the only hot-air poppers I've been able to find, if my options are a) eat no popcorn or b) pick up burning hot kernels from all around my kitchen before my dog can find them, I'm going to just go without popcorn.  More kernels ended up randomly flying around the room than ended up popping and landing in the bowl.  Please talk to your design team and suggest that they fix this issue.

With flying popcorn,
Danielle

*****

Dear subconscious,

Please please please please stop playing the same scene in my mind every time I close my eyes.  I didn't like seeing it the first time, and I don't like replaying it.  It's not pretty.  And it makes me a little bit nauseated.

Sickeningly yours,
Danielle

*****

Dear HEA,

I swear, I haven't forgotten you!  I promise!  I've got a brand new notebook all ready for my next draft, and I promise that I've been thinking of you.  It's just, with this new house, and a show, and work, and a very loving puppy, and a baby blanket to finish, and about a million other little things, well, I've been busy.  But I will make time for you soon.  I promise.

With love and procrastination,
Danielle

*****

Dear Lindt,

You make the best chocolate ever.  I love you.

Melting for you,
Danielle

Letters to things

I am totally snagging the awesome letter-writing-stylings of Kiersten White.  You should go check out her blog, because she is really cool.  And short!  And her book, Paranormalcy, is a New York Times Bestseller (which I feel very guilty about not reading, because I read her blog faithfully, but I just don't like reading hardcover books - they don't feel right in my hands - so I'm waiting for the paperback edition).

And now, on to the letters!


Dear Spiders-who-look-like-dryer-lint,

   I know it's still a bit chilly outside.  However, I would appreciate it if you would STAY OUT OF MY BEDROOM.  I would also appreciate it if you would stop lurking in the basket of clean-but-unmatched-up-socks.  There is very little that freaks me out as much as reaching to pick lint off of the sock I want to wear, then realizing the lint has legs and is moving towards me.

Arachnophobically yours,
Danielle


Dear Clean-but-unmatched-up-socks,

   I promise, I haven't forgotten you.  I just had a lot to do this weekend, and getting you all back with your partners will have to wait until the rest of the laundry is washed and dried, the dishes are done, the carpets are vacuumed, the guest room is decluttered, and Otter's sweater is done.

Until my downtime,
Danielle


Dear Otter's sweater,

   Yes, I realize that you're a maternity sweater, and that we're on a deadline.  I'm working my hardest to get everything else tided up, so I can work on you without getting you covered in dust or spiders or mis-matched socks.  I'm not avoiding you, really!  I can't wait to get back to enjoying our time together.

Hurrying through the dishes to get to you,
Danielle


Dear mean pug at the dog park,

   Don't bite my dog!

Snappishly yours,
Danielle


Dear Blogglings,

   I hope you've enjoyed my outbursts at (mostly) inanimate objects.  I hope to finish reading another book to review soon, so we can return to a more writer-ly focus here.  Until then, please enjoy visiting some of the awesome blogs I follow by clicking on the "Links" tab above, or just clicking on this link to Kiersten's blog.

Always (trying to be) entertaining,
Danielle

A few more letters.

Dear Rainy-day Drivers,

WTF?  Seriously, it's been raining for three days, get it together!  Stop riding my ass!  If you didn't want to go as slow as 40 mph, maybe you should have taken a different route, one where the speed limit was higher than 35!  Please note that I was technically speeding!  

And go back and read the other notes, too, egghead!

Thank you,

D

Dear Weather,

Thank you for the rain.  I'm sure the farmers and other wet-loving folks appreciated it.  Can I have the sun back please?

Thank you,

D

Dear Ann Landers,

I don't know how you manage to put up with the levels of stupid that you must see every day.  I applaud the fact that you haven't yet stuck a fork in your brain to make it go away.  However, a lot of your advice leads to more confusion for the sorts of folks you're trying to help.  Can you try dumbing it down even more?  It might help them (trust me, I know the type - I see them at work every day!)

Keep up the good work,

D

Dear Saturday Morning,

Please hurry up and get here.  I really need the sleep.

Thank you in advance,

D