First Kisses

I've been watching Bones lately - just got Netflix, and I'm totally catching up on a pile of shows that I didn't manage to catch the first time around.

Anyways, I just saw the episode where Angela and Hodgins had their first kiss, and as I was watching it, I suddenly remembered just how a first kiss feels...

There's the tingle all the way to your fingertips, the anticipation.  Your heart speeds up, fluttering instead of beating in that moment where everything stops - the moment when you look at him, and he looks at you, and you just know that it's about to happen.

You can smell him in that moment.  His shampoo, his cologne, the gum he's been chewing in the hopes that this moment would arise.  He smells good, because if he didn't, the moment would pass and you would politely say goodnight and walk away.

You move closer together, slowly, and you can feel his breath on your face, and you're thankful that you had those two sticks of gum in your purse after dinner. There's a brief pause, and you can tell that he's watching for your reaction, needing to be certain that you want this as much as he does.  And then you're moving again, and you're looking at him, until he's too close for you to focus, so your eyes close, trusting your instincts to bring you together.

And finally!  His lips touch yours, just a soft brush at first, testing the waters.  And then, with both of you abandoning your doubts and insecurities, your lips touch again, more firmly, drawing on each other...  And your heart is still fluttering.

What I want

I think I've finally figured out what I want. After 32 years, I think I've got it. It's not the easiest thing to verbalize, because it's more complicated than just, "I want a piece of chocolate cake." But even if I can't entirely explain it, I think I finally know.  

And apparently, I'm not the only one who knows what I mean.

I want someone who feels like this:

And even The Band Perry kind of gets it in the chorus of their song "All Your Life":

Well I don't want the whole world
The sun, the moon, and all their light
I just want to be the only girl
You love all your life

That's what I want. I want someone who will love me for who I really am, not who he wants me to be. I've tried to be everything that someone wants, and being up on a pedestal sucks. It's a long way down, from the ideal to the reality. I'm a real person, and I've got a nice big boatload of flaws.  Please don't expect perfection. It's hard enough for me to handle my own perfectionist qualities. I don't need someone else adding to it.

I want someone who has a life of his own and wants me to be a part of it, but not all of it. I don't want to be someone's 'everything.' I've been that, and it's too much pressure. I want him to be happy on his own, but I want to be able to make him happier. I want him to be a whole person, not just 'my other half,' and I want him to feel the same towards me. 

So there you go. That's what I want.

Now if I could just find it...