Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Mixed emotions

I almost cried at work today, and it only took a few seconds for me to figure out why.  Here's the deal: back in March or April, I applied to instruct a workshop.  In May, I got an email telling me that I was accepted not only to co-instruct one session, but that I would be able to co-instruct all five workshop sessions at this conference.  Hooray, right?  I was pretty psyched.

Yesterday, the boss-lady gave me the program for the conference so I could decide if there were any sessions I wanted to attend.  I got crazy busy and didn't get a chance to look at it yesterday, but today I started flipping through it just before lunch.  I found a bunch of cool sessions, and then decided to check out the other workshop sessions.  I flipped through to the workshops, and there was my name.  Right there, in the program, I'm listed as one of the instructors.

Of course, it made me giggle with glee!  And then I had to show a couple of my work-friends, most of whom were not quite so excited as I was.  Then I went back to my desk and felt like crying.  Why?  Why would something that I want to do make me want to cry?

Because I realized that it's still what I want to do.  I want to be teaching again.  I have never been so happy or satisfied in a job as when I was teaching.  And I can't do that now.  If I wanted to get back into it, I'd have to go back to school and get at least a Master's, if not a PhD.

Don't get me wrong, I love writing.  (And for anyone interested, I'm past the 4k mark on my latest WIP.)  But I'm not going to fool myself into thinking I can make a living off of writing.  I don't think my novel-length works are quite ready for publication, and even if they were, I don't think I can write fast enough to make a living at it.

I'm feeling a weird mix of emotions right now, but I'm working with it, and trying to figure out what else I can do to keep myself happy.  I know that I should put all of my happy-eggs in one basket - I'm going to make sure that I'm doing lots of stuff with the theatre, and doing lots of knitting and crochet and cross-stitch, and cuddling my puppy, and spending time watching bad movies with friends.  All of these things make me happy.

And I'm not saying that I'm miserable in my job now, because I'm not.  I just don't love it the way I loved teaching.

Hrm.  This post was a bit of a downer.  But it don't let that fool you!  I'm not down, I'm just trying to figure myself out.

4 comments:

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Pradeep said...

We sometimes tend to think too much about the future and forget that the best moment is the moment in which we are living and it's only in the future that we realise how important was that moment.

Marlena Cassidy said...

It's tough not being able to do what you really love and want to do. Maybe there are ways to teach without making it your full-time position. Are there other writing conferences who need teachers whom you would be willing to work with?

Joe Robinsmith said...

Ah, we all do that. It's alright. I love my job now, but still wonder what if.....