(Forgot to actually publish yesterday! That's what happens when the fever fries my brain...)
Yes, I am happy about this pants-fail! I went back and looked at the pants that split last week, and it turns out, it's not my ass! The pants in question are scrubs that have been worn and washed weekly for the past three years, and the seam simply wore out. Hooray!
Also, I stepped on the scale, and it told a much more light-hearted story than I had expected.
I still plan to start going to the gym, though. Pants-fail does not explain my spaghetti arms.